So I’ve decided to deactivate my facebook. Why? Because well, I hate facebook! Plus there are some people I dont wanna see anymore and if I delete them…its going to be a “Topic of Conversation” and quite frankly I don’t want or feel I need to explain myself. I just don’t like certain people anymore, so why see their updates. And honestly facebook is like NYC…you see ppl everywhere but u don’t talk to anyone…its like…wtf.
Plus…I rather be on tumblr…if u follow the right people you can learn lots of stuff. Rather than facebook where the same thing is shared and everyone status is the same.
So bye bye facebook, I’ll see you later.
So I took a little time off to focus on me and to step back and look at the new life I created for myself from an outside point of view.
I am happy with what I’ve done but because I am me… I wish I didn’t trust certain people so easily. The reason why I named this “Clothes doesn’t change the man” is because when I was 16-18 if I saw a boy with a certain attire or had a certain swag you had an small idea what he was about. You know the type - that pretty boy swag, clean cut, girls want the dick type dude.
But when I started changing my views on life, the men that came into my life held their heads high. Spoke of loving women, Valuing the ANKH and etc. Little me stopped being so alert and began to trust a little easier. Calling 5 percenters my friends and calling dread locked rastas my brother and giving spiritual guys a look into my life. I even gave one of them a nickname. Now that I stepped back and look at all the men I named Different…8 out of 10 of them hit on me, 1 of them kissed me, and the rest didn’t cross the line with me BUT today we don’t speak as much simply because they are focused on getting pussy - I’m not putting out and they’re not attracted to me.
Bam! Clothes doesn’t change the man. - It hit me hard another time too. I was at this African drum circle with my friend and this rasta came up to me and asked if we can get to know each other. He was already friends with my homegirl so I thought nothing of it. In person he was friendly, not aggressive at all, and the way he asked me it was like “Yay! i wanna be your friends, you’re so cool” - like that was the vibe. Even my home girl thought so. Then when we began texting not even 7 hrs after I left the drum circle , he invites me to his house, says he wants to cook for me, calling me “sweet cheeks” and then boom! - He sends me a picture of his penis!
I’m just disappointed. As a woman… I grew so much and changed the people I keep around me and the vibe that I put out there and guys still treat me like I’m just a sex thing to fuck with. Every guy friend I had from jhs till now hit on me like crossed the line… if they didnt its because they were dating my a friend of mine or they were gay. Real talk. You know what else is crazy- Sometimes they crossed the line not because they thought I was cute, it was because I am not a hoe and I carry myself like a lady so they knew if they had sex with me- I wouldn’t give them an STD! -_- LIKE REALLLLY? YOU’RE THAT OBSESSED WITH PUSSY YOU’D FUCK A GIRL YOUR NOT EVEN REMOTELY ATTRACTED TOO.
So its not that Im picky- I understand that sex is a beautiful thing in a romantic relationship…its just as a person there are so many awesome things about me and I know there are awesome things about the guy- so why must we subtract that and focus plainly on whats below the waist.
As for seeking a Male friend- Welp I have my friend Herby! lol He’s the only guy I know that won’t cross the line with me and loves me for being Cindy- he’s friend. Nothing more. =)
Some people change their name for personal reasons AND I dont knock it at all. I encourage it if it’s needed. But this is my thing - I was “Broken” before.. I was broken only because I didnt fit the needs of society.. The “Conditioned” Requirments ( Being skinny, long hair, tall, gangsta etc)
When I was born my mother named me Cindy
Cindy’s spirit wasn’t broken..as a child we are not broken we believe we can do anything.. we want something we get it.. we know..without knowing that sky is the limit. We know that we are light beings in a sense because light being have no limitations.
As child or maybe as a infant our souls arent tainted with rules and set backs. We are beautiful happy little things.
It is when you get older, when you start to understand speech.. fear is installed. Rules are installed. Feeling sad, angry, inadequate and more negative feelings are installed into you’re mind aka being conditioned.
That’s why right now.. to the mundane world I say I am becoming a “new” person.. when really I am becoming Cindy.. the Cindy I was when I was a child..before I was conditioned to believe there was only one kind of face for beauty and intelligence.
Before my mother told me No.. to things I should be saying yes too. Before I was told “Strong” is only a word for males and “Nice” is a word for females
So me.. I dont need a name change. I have a name.. my job is to live up to that name and be ME..The Me I was supposed to be.
Does that make sense?
Before like in my early teens, I had all these weird issues and I was in front of my computer and I thought “Wait, I can’t be the only one in the world feeling this way…I wonder what would come up if I researched it” and ya know- I did. Then my research went passed “Feeling like I’m not good enough” it went to depression, suicide, self harm and the list even goes to drugs teens would take to ease the pain of feeling.. inadequate
Then I saw pictures on top of pictures of girls and boy taking drugs, Self harming..even taking videos of them making themselves throw up.
All I could think..FOR SOME NOT ALL!!! was ” Attention seekers”!
I know that they all…well…We all need attention, support and love..just someone out there in the world who gives a fuck. But some of these kids are really using there pain to control others. Does that mean they are lying about feeling sad? HELL NO. Pain is Pain! My question is .. have you gotten to sick…that not only do you find comfort in self harming..but harming others as well. Even those who haven’t done anything to you.
It bothers me..for some reason. I don’t even know why? I guess because some of the people who I call attention seekers sometimes..aren’t self harming because they genuinely feel that this is the only way. Some are doing it to punish others..make mommy feel bad for not letting them sleepover a friends house.. like seriously…just taking drastic measures to get attention.
I don’t know..I feel its pretty close to mocking. Mocking those who actually are lost in their own head space, Feeling like suicide is the only answer and so on. Again this doesn’t appy to ALL…literally a small fraction. But that small fraction stands out because they are the ones making people who are ACTUALLY hurting…look insane…and when someone “looks insane” you don’t want to give them the help they need..instead..they dismiss it call YOU the attention seeker, when really you’re the one dying inside.
Does..that make sense..?
Its kind of like a guy trying to talk to a Nice Young Lady as if she was a hoe. This happens because of the female who carry themselves ..well…like hoes. So in a sense all females to a male’s P.O.V. is nothing but a hoe. So really women who carry themselves like respectable women are being disrespected because of the other females out there who refuse to act like a lady.
I’m so upset.. I haven’t been myself in weeks. Just wanting to things to lighten up a bit. I should be happy…right? My birthday is in 2 weeks, transferring to a new school & looking for a job.. I’m making moves.. doing adult things.. doing what I need to do.. So why am I so down. The stressful adult life hasn’t even began to emerge and I am already drained.
I wanna know who hurt you
abused you, Chewed you up and spit you out
heartless, Reckless, careless that soul
Drained you, betrayed you and drained your soul
You’ve been like this for days haven’t you?
And because they didn’t understand you..
Everyone just left you.. dirty, hungry and thirsty
and just to be funny..
they left a cup of hope and dreams
purposely out of your reach..
but close even for you to see it all evaporate slowly…
on rainy days..if feel that he who is holy..is on the joke
you see because right before dreams evaporate
perspiration come out to play..
fills the cup to rim..
right when its will about to over flow
and drip down the hill for it all to finally touch your lips
It just stops..
Fear to vent because if feels like you’re just complaining. Fear to care because it feels like you’re smothering. Fear to Love because it seems like you’ll never get the same kind of love back. Fear to receive love..because you fear it might be another lie.
There are people that I admire and will always love. Sometimes my love was so strong that I wanted to be just like them and as many times as I tried I just couldn’t do it right. I just can’t say words the way they do. Or dress the way they do. Or think the way they do.
And as the years went on..I became okay with that.. Actually I am really FUCKING happy about that! That im incapable of being a mimic. Im incapable of being anyone other than myself. I mean why be like anyone else, ya know. I’m fucking awesomeness bruh. Only I can talk like me, think like me, Dress like me, walk like me, laugh like me and the list goes on. The only thing I can do like the people I admire, is be myself- make myself something other people want to admire, be a leader, inspire my peers to chase dreams(make it a reality) and give 110 % in all that do and smile while they’re kicking ass to get to the top ( I mean…is there any other way.. I THINK NOT!)
Ladies and Gentlemen Be yourself…You never know who YOU are inspiring and what your existence on this planet, in this reality can do for someone else.
( This sounds like a PSA lol)
( if there are typos..my bad…im not perfect im just awesome)
(<- that was a lame excuse lol)
I slowly realized..what kind of man I want. This past year I’ve dealt w. I guess…something like “a hot” and “a cold”. And I like warm. A perfect balance…Not to Left brained…not to right. Not practical, not…idk unpractical. Someone..balanced…(A libra lmfao…get it…because…the libra is..ahhhh u get it)
I’m annoyed as fuck right now.. Smfh. I need my best friend.. because I am about to say something that can really start something horrible!. Chriisssssss! Where are you?